Go for it

blah.
I feel like i have so much to say, so many thoughts .. but i cant get them together. I was really hoping I could use this site, to speak on my thoughts and vent on things I don't really express. It's just hard for me ... and I don't know why. I don't know what holds me back and it friggin pisses me off. I'm just gonna .. go for it.




So there really isn't anything interesting going on, surprising? lol I have the same routine .. school home work. I'm not exactly complaining because that's a part of life. Doing what you gotta do to get where you wanna get. So I've been putting most of my energy in school, which I'm proud of. I can honestly say I've been working hard and I'm doing well as a result. And sometimes I'll go home and tell my mom .. Hey I got an A on this paper .. or I think I did really well on my anatomy exam. And ofcourse she says "Good Kristan." But that's it. I think I've always just sort of looked for the seal of approval, or a pat on the back. Something to make me feel acknowleged. But I'm begininng to realize that .. I'm not doing this for my parents. I used to think that .. you know .. first one in the family going to college .. alot of pressure. But when it comes down to it, I'm doing this for me. I do want them to be proud of me .. but it directly affects me, and my future. So basically, I just want to start doing things for the right reasons.




Something .. or rather someone, who's been on my mind lately is my Grandpa. This has been a rough year for not only him, but the entire family. He really has made progress, and I'm proud of him. He's kept him self motivated and never once had a negative attitude about this whole situation and that's truly something I admire. I get sad sometimes though, just thinking back on only months ago when he was walking around .. going to work living his life, and now he's confined to being a bed, home 24/7. He doesn't seem to be sad about but it just kind of makes me sad. I pray for him all the time, and hope that he continues on his path to recovery because almost losing him had a huge effect on me. I've also grown even more respect and love for my grandmother. She herself went through such a difficult time this past yr .. finding out she had cancer .. having a huge operation .. and recovering. This also hit me really .. really hard. But being the strong woman that she is, she pulled through. And not too long after, was when everything happened with my grandfather. She still stayed strong, and has been by my grandfathers side every single day. It's pretty amazing, and I know neither of them would have gotten through their problems if it wasn't for having the other by their side. Aww that's true love ! And strength. I love them both so much, and admire them both for their strength and unconditional love for eachother.



urm what else .. OH my little brother scored 2 touchdowns in his game! They announced his name and everything.. because ofcouse his team sucks and never wins. I wasn't able to make it because of work, but my mom told me. I was so proud and wish I could've been there. I love that little guy, despite how I act or treat him. Lately Ive been wishing he was little again. But he's taller that me now.. with little girlfriends. lol.




Grey's anatomy today.. woop woop.


kk. that's all I've got for now