Still stuck

Yeah, since my last blog, I'm not feeling any better. Today I just might be feeling worse.


I don't know what it is, I just feel like I'm not happy. I feel like my smiles and laughs are empty, and that deep down I'm just not happy. I don't know what I need, to make myself feel better. I don't know what's missing .. I just feel lower than low today. :(

I may have lost my way ..

So, I'm feeling alittle stuck ..


This feeling always seems to come back, and that's probably because I never actually deal with it, or try to figure things out and work through them. It's just so hard to put my finger on what's really wrong with me. I have however come to the conclusion, with the help of none other than iris lol, that only I can fix this. It's kind of all in my hands ...


Perhaps Im trying to just figure out who I really am, and I know everyone goes through this, it's just alittle harder for me. I feel so guarded, and can't find any reasoning behind it. I feel I never fully give myself fully to others. The fact that i really barely know myself, doesn't allow me to let others in. Sure, I have my relationships with people and what not, but it's always to a certain extent. I feel I just give out pieces of me, rather than my all. Everyone I know kinda gets a different piece.

So, I was asked how I percieve myself, and I had some difficulty with that question, so let me try my best to answer that question now ...

I percieve myself as an overall good person. I care for others, and always try to put myself in others shoes.I am a good friend, good listener, and loyal. However, I can be overly sensitive at times. I truly takes things to the heart, I dont necessarily see that to always be a bad thing, but it is the truth. I often compare myself to others to much, which only conflicts with my perception of myself. Sometimes I try to act according to what others defintions of me are. (not a good thing to do, I know) I lack confidence in many different ways. I have a fear of rejection. I'm the type of girl that gets pushed aside because those who aren't afraid get ahead, pass right by me, and go for it, while I hesitate. I'm the type of person who put's another's feelings before mine. I am a believer in all forms of karma, however sometimes I think good karma will never reach me. I'm an easy read, wear my emotions right on my sleeve. I sometimes let the little things get to me, I can't help it. I enjoy alchohol way too much, probably because it sort of breaks down my wall temporarily. I always try to see the good in others. I have an active imagination, and often fantasize of the way I wish I could be .. I'm one of those people who should take their own advice, and sometimes when given advice, I take it in, but in the end still stick to what my intial thought was (lol) . I' have a positive outlook when it comes to others, but a negative one when it comes to me. Well, I like to use the word "realistic" rather than negative. I have more hope in others than I do myself. And basically, I feel it's time for a lot of change, but at the same time, I need to learn to feel comfortable in my own skin ..



That was a little hard, and all over the place but that is how I view myself. Heck, everyone else might have completely different views on me, but those are mine and I guess that's what should matter the most right?


Now .. where to go from here?

okay okay

Yes, it's been awhileeeee. Ugh, I always have blogging in the back of my mind. It's just I never get around to it. Whatever .. excuses excuses lol let me just write.


Well, alot has happened in the past month. I was in a bit of a shit hole for awhile. Small situation that I turned into a pretty big one of course. Moral of the story - well there's two. FIRST of all keep the drinking to a reasonable amount .. leads to risky behavior LMAO . and second .. not to have high expectations. Sometimes I think it's better to not have any expectations because then theres no room for dissapointment but .. that's just not realistic. But basically my expectations for this particular situation definetely did not even come close. However, I did find some light at the end of the tunnel. sort of .. Now i realized sometimes things are overrated and I should'nt be so scared to do certain things because well it's not that serious. I'm sorry if this makes no sense I'm just really trying to write "around" the subject. lmao In a way, I feel like I have less of a reason to hold back. Lord knows that's my big issue. okay moving on...


Urm I've had a few confrontations at work. One with some annoying lady who swears she's the boss, and another with some dude who I apparently "Looked at" the wrong way. PA-LEASE! Dr. Jays is full of BITCHASSNESS. forreal. However, a new job opportunity has presented itself. (thanks to Rosalinda) So we'll see how that goes, if not then Dr. Jays it is . I just need M U L A. and lots of it. lol times are hard !


I wish I had some insightful shit to write but to be honest I really don't . But as Iris says.. wtf do I have an Iphone for?! So I'll try to write from there more often. Share my day to day when interesting shit happens.. or when I have something to say. but yeah. toodles

Go for it

blah.
I feel like i have so much to say, so many thoughts .. but i cant get them together. I was really hoping I could use this site, to speak on my thoughts and vent on things I don't really express. It's just hard for me ... and I don't know why. I don't know what holds me back and it friggin pisses me off. I'm just gonna .. go for it.




So there really isn't anything interesting going on, surprising? lol I have the same routine .. school home work. I'm not exactly complaining because that's a part of life. Doing what you gotta do to get where you wanna get. So I've been putting most of my energy in school, which I'm proud of. I can honestly say I've been working hard and I'm doing well as a result. And sometimes I'll go home and tell my mom .. Hey I got an A on this paper .. or I think I did really well on my anatomy exam. And ofcourse she says "Good Kristan." But that's it. I think I've always just sort of looked for the seal of approval, or a pat on the back. Something to make me feel acknowleged. But I'm begininng to realize that .. I'm not doing this for my parents. I used to think that .. you know .. first one in the family going to college .. alot of pressure. But when it comes down to it, I'm doing this for me. I do want them to be proud of me .. but it directly affects me, and my future. So basically, I just want to start doing things for the right reasons.




Something .. or rather someone, who's been on my mind lately is my Grandpa. This has been a rough year for not only him, but the entire family. He really has made progress, and I'm proud of him. He's kept him self motivated and never once had a negative attitude about this whole situation and that's truly something I admire. I get sad sometimes though, just thinking back on only months ago when he was walking around .. going to work living his life, and now he's confined to being a bed, home 24/7. He doesn't seem to be sad about but it just kind of makes me sad. I pray for him all the time, and hope that he continues on his path to recovery because almost losing him had a huge effect on me. I've also grown even more respect and love for my grandmother. She herself went through such a difficult time this past yr .. finding out she had cancer .. having a huge operation .. and recovering. This also hit me really .. really hard. But being the strong woman that she is, she pulled through. And not too long after, was when everything happened with my grandfather. She still stayed strong, and has been by my grandfathers side every single day. It's pretty amazing, and I know neither of them would have gotten through their problems if it wasn't for having the other by their side. Aww that's true love ! And strength. I love them both so much, and admire them both for their strength and unconditional love for eachother.



urm what else .. OH my little brother scored 2 touchdowns in his game! They announced his name and everything.. because ofcouse his team sucks and never wins. I wasn't able to make it because of work, but my mom told me. I was so proud and wish I could've been there. I love that little guy, despite how I act or treat him. Lately Ive been wishing he was little again. But he's taller that me now.. with little girlfriends. lol.




Grey's anatomy today.. woop woop.


kk. that's all I've got for now

so.

alrighty so it's been awhile. i always think .. hey i should write a blog but i'm never on my comp and it would be hard to do on my phone but whatever. lol i've got sometime to kill before my next class and Iris reminded me about my lack of blogging so this one's for you. LOL

((well this is just a random thought I've had in my mind for awhile now- I find that people are more attractive when they don't know you're looking. It's when they are most natural, and do the most simple things that truly reflect them as a person. It's makes so much more sense in my mind then in words or on this screen, but I always notice certain tid bits about people that i find so intrigueing, and it's when they don't know I'm looking.{ Examples coming soon }))



So, I feel motivated. LOL My driving lessons are set up for next week which is like whoa finally. Once I go through that process, I can say bye bye to fxcking nj transit and drive to schoolio. COOLIO. ((omg p.s. the other day i had this FLY.. and I mean FLY bus driver. I didn't even know that was possible, I mean I always have the typical type. But he was definetely out of the ordinary. You know I sat up in front, and did NOT wanna get off on my stop. lmao im pathetic.)) So, not only will I be able to drive to school, BUT we'll have a ride to the GYM . lol A ride might give us more motivation to go? Yes, no, maybe so? It was just a thought. and we have more options of things to do ..


Also, I'm making way more friends my sophmore yr of college. Last yr I was pretty antisocial and stuffs, and made all together about urm 1 new friend. lmao But this semester is different, I'm meeting more people. Different types of people too. And there are like so many filipinos in this school its ridiculous. haha. But never the less, I'm glad I can be a bit more social this time around. Makes this whole expierence that much better. I also find myself to be way more focused. which is always good lol. so yay for college


i have a crush on this dude in my math class. yeah.. iduno what else to say about that except he's so cute and I'm shy to talk to him. what else is new


okay. thats enough now.